Waiting
The feeling of putting your life's path in the hands of someone else.
All of my applications for the season are in and I’m just waiting. It’s a tense place to be. I’m both holding onto hope and trying to imagine I’m rejected from everything so I don’t feel disappointed when that inevitable news arrives.
On one hand I’m not feeling good enough to get anything I applied to. I’m feeling embarrassed and ashamed for even applying. Are they laughing looking through my application, like who does she think she is?
Part of me says, of course you got it, you worked so hard, and they will see that. You have no idea what the other applications look like and who you will be compared to. Maybe it’s a dry year and they didn’t get a lot of interest.
The third feeling is not of outright rejection, but of being overlooked. Your application will be ignored, not even garnering a second glance.
I get why it’s hard to even click submit on an application because then you have to go through all this.
It’s best just to move on with your life, move onto something else and forget that you even tried. But that tiny seed of hope is still here. I can forget for hours or possibly even a whole day that I’m waiting for news, but I can’t completely purge that hope from my mind.
I find myself waiting for an answer to do anything more. A yes, means I am an artist and I can continue on this path. A no, means I’ve been rejected by some establishment and I should go find another job. I’m waiting for permission before I continue on.
I’m waiting for someone else to tell me I’m good enough (or not!) and giving all of my creative powers away to some anonymous institution that really has no care for me or what I do.
Taking back my power means to spend time in places where I’m in charge:
I’m committed to this newsletter because I get to do it no matter who is or who is not reading (but I see that you are reading, you made it this far)!
I’m working on small paintings because it’s fun and doesn’t feel like “work”
I’m continuing the baby room curtain
I’m filling up sketchbooks with imperfect drawings
I’m going to New Orleans next weekend for a friend’s wedding (Hi Brent!)
Oh, and we went upstate for the eclipse! We did not make the 7 hour drive to totality with a baby in the car. But I’m plotting my trip to Portugal 2026 for totality there, I hear it’s worth it.
I’m reading:
Treehouse Zine (thanks to reader Keeley for this tip about this newsletter!)
Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach
Binti Trilogy by Nnedi Okorafor
Watching
The Last Repair Shop (Vimeo) - Get your tissue box out. Then fight like hell to keep music classes in public schools.
Live to 100: Secretes of the Blue Zones (Netflix) - Some parts of this make me roll my eyes, it’s a bit cheesy, but I’m generally interested in living in a healthy body my whole life and taking interventions now to keep my joints, spirit, and mind healthy!
And of course I’m planning my next batch of applications, including this one: Artists and Mothers.
That’s it for the week!
See you next Sunday.