To get born, your body makes a pact with death,
and from that moment, all it tries to do is cheat—
-Louise Glück1
Every day that I fall asleep with my family intact under one roof, I feel as though I have cheated death once again. I can’t decide if it’s cruel or merciful that we don’t know when the end is coming for us. If I knew the ending, would it change my days?
I feel so much guilt for continuing through the daily tasks of waking / cooking / eating / sleeping / working / caretaking when I know there is a family on the other side of the planet trying to survive a war at their doorstep.
I also know that my safety and security here is a facade. Anything could happen at any minute.
It feels like the treadmill under my feet is moving more quickly than the steps I am taking. I keep losing ground even though my feet are moving at a steady jog. I want to squish a lifetime into each week because what if I don’t have next week?
My mental space this week has been taken over by the phrase: do one thing at a time. I am constantly surprised by the fact that if I focus on one thing until completion, it actually gets done.
Someone once told me that to calm your nervous system in times of anxiety or panic, move as if you are moving through molasses. Moving slowly through a task is not my standard way of existing. I prefer a panicked run from one thing to the next so I can fit more stuff in.
Have I had it wrong all these years? Cramming my days to the max, well beyond my own energetic limitations is not actually cheating death? The real reason I’m still breathing this very day is mostly dumb luck.
The only thing I know for certain is that death would never dishonor me by dropping her end of the pact. Whether I run towards the finish line or crawl across it is of no matter. I might as well enjoy this ride while I’m here.
Links of interest this week
Colleen Baik on making art in small slices of time.
I finally went to Happy Medium (pictured above). I loved so much about my experience there: the lighting, general vibes, the furniture, being in a new space. I would go back many times again. It was nice to make something that I normally wouldn’t make, to be making at a table with good friends, and to have two hours to play. I felt charged up after leaving. Yes to art spaces!
Also in the neighborhood of Happy Medium is a store called November 19 and it was delightful. I love a store that tucks many tiny things into a small space so I feel like an explorer sifting through the shelves.
Participating in the Purl Soho knit along
New podcast The Wedding Scammer
30 day trial to Waking Up the app I use for guided meditation.
Meditative drawing with Wendy Mac
Meals of the week
My week in dinners.
Sunday: Salmon, broccoli, mac and cheese
Easy slow roasted salmon and leftover mac and cheese from last friday.
Monday: Chicken soup
Boiled chicken, homemade bread, broccoli, broth from the boiled chicken to make a light soup
Tuesday: Chicken and dumplings
I used leftover chicken and stock from Sunday night to make a family favorite, this one from the Novice Chef is what I use for the dumplings, the soup part I wing it based on what’s in the fridge.
The remainder of the week’s meals for paid subscribers, thank you for reading!